The Seventh Seal

By Conner "Toke" Stokely

The opening to this movie already had me squirming in my chair like one of those little bitches who was never man enough to make varsity. Black and White? You might as well have some fuckin’ math assignment pop up on the screen if you’re gonna pull that shit. Last time I checked, we lived in the 18th century, so like, put some color in there and don’t be so fucking lazy. And while I’m at it, I might as well mention that the movie isn’t even in English. First of all, that’s totally un-American. Secondly, you want to speak another language, you better fucking tell us what you’re saying after you say it. Right? So, I actually had to PRACTICE reading the words at the bottom of the screen before even watching this movie.

So it starts off with this knight in shining armor with banana peel shoes taking a nap on the beach because I guess he got tired of saving princesses or some shit. Then, this weird dude appears out of nowhere basically wearing a nun outfit and the two of them start playing chess. WTF? I was like, you could at least try not to be gay by playing poker or something else. I didn’t even know why they were playing chess in the first place. It made no sense to me why that white-faced guy was wearing the black smock and acting so cunning or whatever. After they finished their game, I guess the two of them decided to go on a road trip and then OUT OF NOWHERE there is a scene with some queerass clown jumping around in a tent. Well, maybe he wasn’t totally gay since his girlfriend was hot as shit. No doubt they fucked because there was a baby sleeping in the hammock nearby. I was like, “Is the guy in the tent the knight’s brother?” They could have explained it so much better.

Finally, we’re introduced to this guy who is basically a total pimp because he beats the shit out of anyone who has a problem. His name sucked ass though. Johnson or something like that. He probably has a tiny Johnson, if you know what’s up. Haha, shit, I think I’ll be a professional comedy writer at some point. Anyway, Johnson and the Banana Knight team up after this gorgeous bitch in rags decides to come along for the ride. I was already basically snoring when I woke up just in time to see this line of people, including Queerass and Banana Nuts walking across a hill holding hands. Besides the blonde chick and the whore, you should totally ditch this sketchy bullshit. Don't even think about wasting your time trying to find the other six movies in the series!