By Cody "Nanners" Lanners
Everyone's always talking about how tight Back to the Future is, but you know what? I think it's a faggasaurus of a movie. I mean, it's sooo not like how things actually are. Why's this fucking clown in a life-vest get the most bangable chick in school? Because he's driving a DeLorean? That's probably the gayest car that's ever existed. How do you make it gayer? By making it a time machine. If this movie was true to life, Marty would be cruising around in a modded Honda Civy' with a ten inch spoiler and a keg-sized V8 engine. Not some piece of shit from the '80s. Fuck! It makes me so mad.
Since the movie is from the '80s, every hipster dick-face in existence has reminded us of how the story goes. Guy gets fucked by a guitar amp, skateboards behind cars, snoggles his poon-train, meets with that guy from The Pagemaster (now -that- is a tight movie), goes into the past, finds out his dad is a total fag, gets chased by this pretty hot---uh, I mean, tough guy named Biff, nearly fucks his mom, convinces his dickless dad to fuck his mom, shits it up at their high school dance, uses a fucking lightning bolt on his car, comes back home and finds out he's got a black pick-up in the garage that'd make any diesel dyke sopping wet, and rides off in his gay DeLorean, now made even more gay because it can fly.
I don't get it, man. The story doesn't make any sense at all. How could a pussy like George McFly get a smoking hot MILF like Lorraine over Biff? I mean, Biff's worked out. He's got his quads and gluts in tip top shape. I mean, I know I'd fuck him if I was a woman. Hah, yeah. Those tight pants he wears, oh yeeeeah man. I'd get on that shit...but yeah, what the fuck, right? Lorraine's sooo fucking hot, I'd split her sideways just by looking at her. She basically jumps on Marty and he runs away like a little bitch? Man, fuck him. I know it's your mom but she's smoking tits, man.
Also, I don't really understand the title of the movie. Back to the Future. Back...to...the....what? How do you go back to the future if it hasn't even happened yet? Haha, fucking idiots. I bet they fucked that up when they made the title. Wait...if he's going to the past...then he goes into the future..then...back to the...I don't fucking know! This movie is a piece of shit with a gay car and a dork who tries to act tight. They might as well have named it Gay to the Future or something.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Europa
Okay, so my friend Parker told me that I should see this movie, because there’s this part at the beginning where the narrator is supposed to hypnotize you, or some shit. Normally, I’d stay away from any flick made by a jizz rag named Lars, but hey, I happen to like magic (not that I’m a fag or anything), so I thought I’d give it a shot.
The beginning of the movie was probably made for some peanut butter-smiling retard that didn’t know which dimension he was living in. This deep-voiced goon comes on the loudspeaker, goes on about how he’s going to count to ten and tells me that I’m going to slip into a trance. First, I don’t fucking think so. And option B, I’m wide awake (the opposite of being in a trance). I don’t know what Lars (or “Tard”) was thinking, but his tricks aren’t up to my standard of excellence. On top of getting his magic act in a shitty mess, this douche doesn’t even know how to work the color button on his camera. In this movie you’ve got people looking normal one minute, and the next, they might as well be Charlie Chaplin’s nut sack. Being a nice guy, I thought I’d play along, and decided to get off of the couch and touch the screen--you know, just to make sure that it wasn’t interactive. I couldn’t even make the colors appear…such bullshit. You could at least do like a computerized paintbrush-type of thing with it, you know? Technology is here for a reason, turkey-nuts. Even my phone has better special effects than this garbage.
So instead of using my new bong, I’m sitting and watching this ass of a character named Leopold stumble his punk-ass around, while he tries to do a good job as a train conductor in Germany. What kind of a little bitch decides to leave America, put on a gay hat, and helps Nazis shine their shoes? I thought that Leopold might at least get some sweet German pussy out of the deal, but he instead picks the ugliest bitch at the dance. This girl Katharina tells him that she’s scared of werewolves on the train, and asks Leopold to tuck her in. Not only does he believe her lies, but he doesn’t even take the opportunity to slip her the cock when he has the chance. What?! I took my hand out of my underpants. Well, fuck that, I guess. I shouldn’t be surprised. There weren’t any cool werewolves, so why should there be pussy?
As if that wasn't enough, Leopold decides to go and meet Kate’s parents. I was hoping that this was all part of his plan to marry her, and then take a crack at the pussy monster. But again, it's just another load of boring. Kate’s father keeps sweating because he’s worried about this test he has to take. Even after these guys bring the test to his house and he get’s an 'A', he still runs upstairs like a little bitch and takes a Kool-Aid bath. I don’t know about you, but when I got a D+ on my math quiz, I went to the carnival, bought some cotton candy, and got a B.J.
The rest of this movie was just as lame. When Leopold is finally given a bomb so that he can blow up the train, he doesn’t even rig it up so that there’s a tight explosion. Instead there’s just a lot of noisy shaking, and the train falls off of the bridge. Weak. I guess Lars couldn’t pay for the good firecrackers and instead saved up his money to make this movie extra gay. Congratulations penis-breath, you succeeded. As Leopold drowns inside of the train, the deep-voiced goon reminds the retards in the audience that they are going to die in 10 seconds. Ooo, Happy Halloween. Try again, asshole.
The beginning of the movie was probably made for some peanut butter-smiling retard that didn’t know which dimension he was living in. This deep-voiced goon comes on the loudspeaker, goes on about how he’s going to count to ten and tells me that I’m going to slip into a trance. First, I don’t fucking think so. And option B, I’m wide awake (the opposite of being in a trance). I don’t know what Lars (or “Tard”) was thinking, but his tricks aren’t up to my standard of excellence. On top of getting his magic act in a shitty mess, this douche doesn’t even know how to work the color button on his camera. In this movie you’ve got people looking normal one minute, and the next, they might as well be Charlie Chaplin’s nut sack. Being a nice guy, I thought I’d play along, and decided to get off of the couch and touch the screen--you know, just to make sure that it wasn’t interactive. I couldn’t even make the colors appear…such bullshit. You could at least do like a computerized paintbrush-type of thing with it, you know? Technology is here for a reason, turkey-nuts. Even my phone has better special effects than this garbage.
So instead of using my new bong, I’m sitting and watching this ass of a character named Leopold stumble his punk-ass around, while he tries to do a good job as a train conductor in Germany. What kind of a little bitch decides to leave America, put on a gay hat, and helps Nazis shine their shoes? I thought that Leopold might at least get some sweet German pussy out of the deal, but he instead picks the ugliest bitch at the dance. This girl Katharina tells him that she’s scared of werewolves on the train, and asks Leopold to tuck her in. Not only does he believe her lies, but he doesn’t even take the opportunity to slip her the cock when he has the chance. What?! I took my hand out of my underpants. Well, fuck that, I guess. I shouldn’t be surprised. There weren’t any cool werewolves, so why should there be pussy?
As if that wasn't enough, Leopold decides to go and meet Kate’s parents. I was hoping that this was all part of his plan to marry her, and then take a crack at the pussy monster. But again, it's just another load of boring. Kate’s father keeps sweating because he’s worried about this test he has to take. Even after these guys bring the test to his house and he get’s an 'A', he still runs upstairs like a little bitch and takes a Kool-Aid bath. I don’t know about you, but when I got a D+ on my math quiz, I went to the carnival, bought some cotton candy, and got a B.J.
The rest of this movie was just as lame. When Leopold is finally given a bomb so that he can blow up the train, he doesn’t even rig it up so that there’s a tight explosion. Instead there’s just a lot of noisy shaking, and the train falls off of the bridge. Weak. I guess Lars couldn’t pay for the good firecrackers and instead saved up his money to make this movie extra gay. Congratulations penis-breath, you succeeded. As Leopold drowns inside of the train, the deep-voiced goon reminds the retards in the audience that they are going to die in 10 seconds. Ooo, Happy Halloween. Try again, asshole.
Friday, January 22, 2010
The Seventh Seal
By Conner "Toke" Stokely
The opening to this movie already had me squirming in my chair like one of those little bitches who was never man enough to make varsity. Black and White? You might as well have some fuckin’ math assignment pop up on the screen if you’re gonna pull that shit. Last time I checked, we lived in the 18th century, so like, put some color in there and don’t be so fucking lazy. And while I’m at it, I might as well mention that the movie isn’t even in English. First of all, that’s totally un-American. Secondly, you want to speak another language, you better fucking tell us what you’re saying after you say it. Right? So, I actually had to PRACTICE reading the words at the bottom of the screen before even watching this movie.
So it starts off with this knight in shining armor with banana peel shoes taking a nap on the beach because I guess he got tired of saving princesses or some shit. Then, this weird dude appears out of nowhere basically wearing a nun outfit and the two of them start playing chess. WTF? I was like, you could at least try not to be gay by playing poker or something else. I didn’t even know why they were playing chess in the first place. It made no sense to me why that white-faced guy was wearing the black smock and acting so cunning or whatever. After they finished their game, I guess the two of them decided to go on a road trip and then OUT OF NOWHERE there is a scene with some queerass clown jumping around in a tent. Well, maybe he wasn’t totally gay since his girlfriend was hot as shit. No doubt they fucked because there was a baby sleeping in the hammock nearby. I was like, “Is the guy in the tent the knight’s brother?” They could have explained it so much better.
Finally, we’re introduced to this guy who is basically a total pimp because he beats the shit out of anyone who has a problem. His name sucked ass though. Johnson or something like that. He probably has a tiny Johnson, if you know what’s up. Haha, shit, I think I’ll be a professional comedy writer at some point. Anyway, Johnson and the Banana Knight team up after this gorgeous bitch in rags decides to come along for the ride. I was already basically snoring when I woke up just in time to see this line of people, including Queerass and Banana Nuts walking across a hill holding hands. Besides the blonde chick and the whore, you should totally ditch this sketchy bullshit. Don't even think about wasting your time trying to find the other six movies in the series!
The opening to this movie already had me squirming in my chair like one of those little bitches who was never man enough to make varsity. Black and White? You might as well have some fuckin’ math assignment pop up on the screen if you’re gonna pull that shit. Last time I checked, we lived in the 18th century, so like, put some color in there and don’t be so fucking lazy. And while I’m at it, I might as well mention that the movie isn’t even in English. First of all, that’s totally un-American. Secondly, you want to speak another language, you better fucking tell us what you’re saying after you say it. Right? So, I actually had to PRACTICE reading the words at the bottom of the screen before even watching this movie.
So it starts off with this knight in shining armor with banana peel shoes taking a nap on the beach because I guess he got tired of saving princesses or some shit. Then, this weird dude appears out of nowhere basically wearing a nun outfit and the two of them start playing chess. WTF? I was like, you could at least try not to be gay by playing poker or something else. I didn’t even know why they were playing chess in the first place. It made no sense to me why that white-faced guy was wearing the black smock and acting so cunning or whatever. After they finished their game, I guess the two of them decided to go on a road trip and then OUT OF NOWHERE there is a scene with some queerass clown jumping around in a tent. Well, maybe he wasn’t totally gay since his girlfriend was hot as shit. No doubt they fucked because there was a baby sleeping in the hammock nearby. I was like, “Is the guy in the tent the knight’s brother?” They could have explained it so much better.
Finally, we’re introduced to this guy who is basically a total pimp because he beats the shit out of anyone who has a problem. His name sucked ass though. Johnson or something like that. He probably has a tiny Johnson, if you know what’s up. Haha, shit, I think I’ll be a professional comedy writer at some point. Anyway, Johnson and the Banana Knight team up after this gorgeous bitch in rags decides to come along for the ride. I was already basically snoring when I woke up just in time to see this line of people, including Queerass and Banana Nuts walking across a hill holding hands. Besides the blonde chick and the whore, you should totally ditch this sketchy bullshit. Don't even think about wasting your time trying to find the other six movies in the series!
Friday, January 8, 2010
2001: A Space Odyssey? More like 2001: A Gay Odyssey
By Cody "Nanners" Lanners
I couldn't wrap my head around this fucking movie, man. It was like tripped out and boring at the same time. I was thinking, "alright, Senior Kubroke, or whatever - choose to take me on a crazy-ass voyage aboard the USS Bong or get the fuck out of my house." I mean three-fourths of this movie has no dialogue. I shit you not, dudes, 2001: A Lame Odyssey had like two lines, one being "I'm a monkey, don't take my black slab, faggot," and the other is, "Space is pretty tight, out here past Jupiter."
You don't even really want to know what this turd-house of a movie is about, but I'll do you all a favor and give you the short version. So, basically these ape dudes hang around for a little while, then this big black rock shows up, right? Then, for no reason, we're pushed into space, with this kinda faggy guy on a space station that looks like the steering wheel for my tricked out Honda Civy'. Anyway, they talk about some boring stuff, and then the fag-man is off to look at the same black rock, it's just on the moon now. Then there's this big ship shaped kinda' like a dick and balls. I laughed at that. On the ship they got this asshole computer guy named Hal. And then the best part of the movie: a sweet-ass light show that would shame any local planetarium. I'm fucking telling you, man, it was sooooo tight.
You dudes should do yourself a favor - skip an hour and a half of boring shit, and go to the scene selection, then skip right to "Jupiter and Beyond the Infinite". It'll blow the doob right out of your mouth! And it totally makes you think, I mean, right? It's like, what if there -is- all this crazy shit out in space? Does that mean aliens smoke spliffers and get fucked up like us? That'd be so sweet, man. And that creepy ass music! Kinda' sounds like the despair of the hundreds of fat chicks I plow on a nightly basis! Aaaaaah, ha haha, right? High five!
I couldn't wrap my head around this fucking movie, man. It was like tripped out and boring at the same time. I was thinking, "alright, Senior Kubroke, or whatever - choose to take me on a crazy-ass voyage aboard the USS Bong or get the fuck out of my house." I mean three-fourths of this movie has no dialogue. I shit you not, dudes, 2001: A Lame Odyssey had like two lines, one being "I'm a monkey, don't take my black slab, faggot," and the other is, "Space is pretty tight, out here past Jupiter."
You don't even really want to know what this turd-house of a movie is about, but I'll do you all a favor and give you the short version. So, basically these ape dudes hang around for a little while, then this big black rock shows up, right? Then, for no reason, we're pushed into space, with this kinda faggy guy on a space station that looks like the steering wheel for my tricked out Honda Civy'. Anyway, they talk about some boring stuff, and then the fag-man is off to look at the same black rock, it's just on the moon now. Then there's this big ship shaped kinda' like a dick and balls. I laughed at that. On the ship they got this asshole computer guy named Hal. And then the best part of the movie: a sweet-ass light show that would shame any local planetarium. I'm fucking telling you, man, it was sooooo tight.
You dudes should do yourself a favor - skip an hour and a half of boring shit, and go to the scene selection, then skip right to "Jupiter and Beyond the Infinite". It'll blow the doob right out of your mouth! And it totally makes you think, I mean, right? It's like, what if there -is- all this crazy shit out in space? Does that mean aliens smoke spliffers and get fucked up like us? That'd be so sweet, man. And that creepy ass music! Kinda' sounds like the despair of the hundreds of fat chicks I plow on a nightly basis! Aaaaaah, ha haha, right? High five!
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