The Seventh Seal

By Conner "Toke" Stokely

The opening to this movie already had me squirming in my chair like one of those little bitches who was never man enough to make varsity. Black and White? You might as well have some fuckin’ math assignment pop up on the screen if you’re gonna pull that shit. Last time I checked, we lived in the 18th century, so like, put some color in there and don’t be so fucking lazy. And while I’m at it, I might as well mention that the movie isn’t even in English. First of all, that’s totally un-American. Secondly, you want to speak another language, you better fucking tell us what you’re saying after you say it. Right? So, I actually had to PRACTICE reading the words at the bottom of the screen before even watching this movie.

So it starts off with this knight in shining armor with banana peel shoes taking a nap on the beach because I guess he got tired of saving princesses or some shit. Then, this weird dude appears out of nowhere basically wearing a nun outfit and the two of them start playing chess. WTF? I was like, you could at least try not to be gay by playing poker or something else. I didn’t even know why they were playing chess in the first place. It made no sense to me why that white-faced guy was wearing the black smock and acting so cunning or whatever. After they finished their game, I guess the two of them decided to go on a road trip and then OUT OF NOWHERE there is a scene with some queerass clown jumping around in a tent. Well, maybe he wasn’t totally gay since his girlfriend was hot as shit. No doubt they fucked because there was a baby sleeping in the hammock nearby. I was like, “Is the guy in the tent the knight’s brother?” They could have explained it so much better.

Finally, we’re introduced to this guy who is basically a total pimp because he beats the shit out of anyone who has a problem. His name sucked ass though. Johnson or something like that. He probably has a tiny Johnson, if you know what’s up. Haha, shit, I think I’ll be a professional comedy writer at some point. Anyway, Johnson and the Banana Knight team up after this gorgeous bitch in rags decides to come along for the ride. I was already basically snoring when I woke up just in time to see this line of people, including Queerass and Banana Nuts walking across a hill holding hands. Besides the blonde chick and the whore, you should totally ditch this sketchy bullshit. Don't even think about wasting your time trying to find the other six movies in the series!

2001: A Space Odyssey? More like 2001: A Gay Odyssey

By Cody "Nanners" Lanners

I couldn't wrap my head around this fucking movie, man. It was like tripped out and boring at the same time. I was thinking, "alright, Senior Kubroke, or whatever - choose to take me on a crazy-ass voyage aboard the USS Bong or get the fuck out of my house." I mean three-fourths of this movie has no dialogue. I shit you not, dudes, 2001: A Lame Odyssey had like two lines, one being "I'm a monkey, don't take my black slab, faggot," and the other is, "Space is pretty tight, out here past Jupiter."

You don't even really want to know what this turd-house of a movie is about, but I'll do you all a favor and give you the short version. So, basically these ape dudes hang around for a little while, then this big black rock shows up, right? Then, for no reason, we're pushed into space, with this kinda faggy guy on a space station that looks like the steering wheel for my tricked out Honda Civy'. Anyway, they talk about some boring stuff, and then the fag-man is off to look at the same black rock, it's just on the moon now. Then there's this big ship shaped kinda' like a dick and balls. I laughed at that. On the ship they got this asshole computer guy named Hal. And then the best part of the movie: a sweet-ass light show that would shame any local planetarium. I'm fucking telling you, man, it was sooooo tight.

You dudes should do yourself a favor - skip an hour and a half of boring shit, and go to the scene selection, then skip right to "Jupiter and Beyond the Infinite". It'll blow the doob right out of your mouth! And it totally  makes you think, I mean, right? It's like, what if there -is- all this crazy shit out in space? Does that mean aliens smoke spliffers and get fucked up like us? That'd be so sweet, man. And that creepy ass music! Kinda' sounds like the despair of the hundreds of fat chicks I plow on a nightly basis! Aaaaaah, ha haha, right? High five!