Europa

Okay, so my friend Parker told me that I should see this movie, because there’s this part at the beginning where the narrator is supposed to hypnotize you, or some shit. Normally, I’d stay away from any flick made by a jizz rag named Lars, but hey, I happen to like magic (not that I’m a fag or anything), so I thought I’d give it a shot.

The beginning of the movie was probably made for some peanut butter-smiling retard that didn’t know which dimension he was living in. This deep-voiced goon comes on the loudspeaker, goes on about how he’s going to count to ten and tells me that I’m going to slip into a trance. First, I don’t fucking think so. And option B, I’m wide awake (the opposite of being in a trance). I don’t know what Lars (or “Tard”) was thinking, but his tricks aren’t up to my standard of excellence. On top of getting his magic act in a shitty mess, this douche doesn’t even know how to work the color button on his camera. In this movie you’ve got people looking normal one minute, and the next, they might as well be Charlie Chaplin’s nut sack. Being a nice guy, I thought I’d play along, and decided to get off of the couch and touch the screen--you know, just to make sure that it wasn’t interactive. I couldn’t even make the colors appear…such bullshit. You could at least do like a computerized paintbrush-type of thing with it, you know? Technology is here for a reason, turkey-nuts. Even my phone has better special effects than this garbage.

So instead of using my new bong, I’m sitting and watching this ass of a character named Leopold stumble his punk-ass around, while he tries to do a good job as a train conductor in Germany. What kind of a little bitch decides to leave America, put on a gay hat, and helps Nazis shine their shoes? I thought that Leopold might at least get some sweet German pussy out of the deal, but he instead picks the ugliest bitch at the dance. This girl Katharina tells him that she’s scared of werewolves on the train, and asks Leopold to tuck her in. Not only does he believe her lies, but he doesn’t even take the opportunity to slip her the cock when he has the chance. What?! I took my hand out of my underpants. Well, fuck that, I guess. I shouldn’t be surprised. There weren’t any cool werewolves, so why should there be pussy?

As if that wasn't enough, Leopold decides to go and meet Kate’s parents. I was hoping that this was all part of his plan to marry her, and then take a crack at the pussy monster. But again, it's just another load of boring. Kate’s father keeps sweating because he’s worried about this test he has to take. Even after these guys bring the test to his house and he get’s an 'A', he still runs upstairs like a little bitch and takes a Kool-Aid bath. I don’t know about you, but when I got a D+ on my math quiz, I went to the carnival, bought some cotton candy, and got a B.J.

The rest of this movie was just as lame. When Leopold is finally given a bomb so that he can blow up the train, he doesn’t even rig it up so that there’s a tight explosion. Instead there’s just a lot of noisy shaking, and the train falls off of the bridge. Weak. I guess Lars couldn’t pay for the good firecrackers and instead saved up his money to make this movie extra gay. Congratulations penis-breath, you succeeded. As Leopold drowns inside of the train, the deep-voiced goon reminds the retards in the audience that they are going to die in 10 seconds. Ooo, Happy Halloween. Try again, asshole.